but I am just not able to find my “happy place”. During my father’s drinking years- and ultimate sobriety, his mantra was always, through everything good and bad, “calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean….”. All I see are stormy ‘drowny’ waves and my limbs are so tired from treading water.
I saw this on Facebook today: Much of the pain in life comes from having a life plan that you’ve fallen in love with and when it doesn’t work out, you become angry that you now have to pursue a new life plan. If you want to tame your inner demons, you must not become attached to any particular life plan, and remain open to there being a better, happier life plan.
I needed to read this today but more than just reading it, I need to adopt this. It’s not that I am angry, I am just so very tired of hitting every bump in the road imaginable. But I apparently need a new perspective.
We noticed last night Klaus licking at one of his toes. So we checked and another one of his nails is infected. This happened on the front foot a few months back and set us back in regards to getting him neutered. The medicine they put him on has to be worked out of his system before any surgery- castration and THR alike. By the time it had worked itself out we were looking at his (original) THR date.
Now we are possibly looking at a delay in his surgery- yet again. I am currently waiting to hear back from Cornell about it.
Klaus’ nails are black which makes trimming them a nightmare. I can’t tell you how many horror movie instances we have had with trimming them. Blood. Lots of blood. We have learned to do lots of short trimmings and it is because of this his nails are left longer than I would like. This lends him to stubbing them or having the catch etc.
Our vet was so very kind to just write us a RX instead of having to bring him in. The last time this happened it was $200. They also gave us a cheaper medicine. Again, very much needed as we have been tapping his hip fund for his repeat in tests!
I have to admit I had a total melt down the other night. It’s not to say I hadn’t had one prior to all of this. But something snapped in my brain. I was overcome by an overwhelming feeling of regret. I hate to say it out loud but I wished we had waited to get Klaus. I wished we had inquired more about the hip and elbow certifications. I wished I had asked more about the health guarantee and what that entailed- because having to give a dog back you have raised and loved since he was 9 weeks old is just awful. I wished we had gotten the hip dysplasia rider on our insurance. I could go on and on.
The whole time I was feeling so guilty for wishing we didn’t have Klaus. Do I love Klaus because I feel an obligation to him- to see this whole shit storm through, because I don’t believe anyone else can or will? Or do I genuinely love him? It’s tough. I feel like it all overlaps. Is there a difference so does it even matter? He’s been a giant pain in our ass almost from the beginning.
I am doing everything I possibly can to make his life more enjoyable. Unconditional you say? I’d have to agree.
Sorry for such a somber and melancholy post. I’d lighten the load with some pictures- if only Klaus didn’t eat my phone! Everything works except for the camera- the one thing I really wish worked right not, go figure. I wonder if my insurance covers dog nomming?
I was JUST talking about unconditional love right?